Ever dated a man who disappeared all of a sudden? No explanation given? Or maybe he slowly sort of faded away, but still with no explanation?
If you have experienced this, you’re not alone. It happens a lot. Men experience emotions and relationships slightly different from women and they have a knack for disappearing into thin air. Read on to find out why and how to deal with it.
The Scenario
You’ve dated someone for a while – anywhere from a week to a couple of months and it seems like things are going great. You’re having fun together. You message each other a lot. You see each other often. He seems like he’s happy with you. Then suddenly he one day disappears, or he becomes completely aloof, answering messages three days later, sees you a lot less and finally disappears.
Here’s why this happens and how to deal with it.
Why It Happens
It could be any number of reasons. Most likely he:
- got scared as he realized you’re at the cusp of getting into a serious relationship and he’s not ready for that/doesn’t want that
- he did something stupid or hurtful and can’t stomach telling you about it
- he lost interest – the excitement is gone
- he found someone else
- something big happened in his personal or work life and he doesn’t feel like he can’t handle having people close as he’s processing it
As a woman you’re wondering why he didn’t just tell you? Tell you that he isn’t ready for a relationship, that he has done something stupid, that he wants to move on, that he found someone else, or that he needs time alone right now. It seems so simple doesn’t it? To just meet face to face to say one thing to end it. So that you get closure and feel that he showed you some respect.
Men don’t necessarily think that way though.
Men often have a hard time with emotions. They don’t do heart to heart conversations as easily as women in many cases. They process things on their own. To them actions can speak louder than words.
From a woman’s perspective that usually means we think they’re cowards. And maybe they are.
Another thing men seem to think is that if they did something wrong, or aren’t really that into you and, hence, think you deserve better, then it’s best to leave you so you can find that better something or someone. And rather than think they’re letting you down by not telling you face to face something they think will wound you, they let you go. They think that’s the nicer way to do it. Or they are cowards. It’s one or the other. Depends on the man.
What to Do When It Happens
There are two ways to deal with it. Either you simply let him go, or you have a five minute conversation where you ask him straight out what he is doing. The latter might not lead to anything much as he may very well lie, or pretend he doesn’t know what you are talking about, but it can give you closure. The important bit to bear in mind if you do decide to confront him about it is to be clear, concise and quick. Men aren’t good with emotions. They usually get straight to the point with things. And if you take too long and explain too many emotions, they won’t follow.
And remember: don’t make assumptions. Just recently I was working with someone who disappeared. Someone I’ve known for years. I was completely confused by it. Until I received a message saying they were called back to the military on a secret mission. Whilst that’s a very unusual situation, don’t go blaming someone based on assumptions.
When you speak about something, be vulnerable. If you start the conversation with a bucket of blame all you will get is self-defense. Don’t blame, don’t beg, just share from the heart in a straight forward manner. And be sure you are standing on your own two feet – you didn’t come there to ask his approval of you as a person, but rather find out what happened so you can move forward.
What Not to Do
Writing them a ton of messages, calling them once a day, or similar tactics will get you nowhere. Wondering why they suddenly disappeared won’t get you anywhere either. You can send one message, or meet them once to discuss it, but that’s it.
The bottom line is that if he left he isn’t that into you. Maybe it’s because of a stupid reason like his own fear of commitment. Maybe you’d really be great together. That doesn’t matter though because he can’t see that and you deserve someone who can. Wasting your time trying to convince him, or yourself, that he’s committing the mistake of a lifetime is not going to get you anywhere.
Analyzing
Most people who have been dumped analyze why. It’s good to check to see what you were like when dating them. See what part you played in it. Do an honest evaluation. Beyond that, don’t fret about it. You can never know exactly what he’s thinking and why he did what he did. And checking his Facebook/Instagram/Twitter will only ruin your life. Why look at his posts when you could be writing your own about your fab life? Or be busy creating that fabulous life?
You can’t move onto something better if you still hold onto the past. Take responsibility for your own actions, decide what you want to be like in the future and move forward.
How to Cope
The best thing to do once it’s over is to focus on yourself and creating the kind of life you love. Do an inventory to see where you are at in life and where you want to be. Check your fitness routine, your career, your health, your finances and your social life. What would you like to achieve? How can you achieve that?
Take time out to pamper yourself – massages, retreats, saunas, weekend trips and movies (and a pint of ice cream or a bowl of popcorn). Spend time with the girls too. Have some fun. And if you feel your social life is lacking join meet-up groups, take some courses, or join business networking events. If you feel like a change of scenery go on a trip with a friend, or, if you really want to: move to a new town. Have fun. Grow as a person.
You’re free. So decide to truly live exactly as you’d love to.
By Maria Montgomery – Maria is a freelance writer, director and social entrepreneur. She’s also the spokesperson for The Little Angels Community Center and an avid blogger. You can find her somewhere between Cape Town, London and L.A., where you will most likely find her in the hills, looking out over the city she loves. @OhMyMontgomery
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